Untitled
by Happie692B2
Summary: A fic i wrote after i couldnt sleep


**POV: Anakin Skywalker **

My dreams lie to me, show me a false reality and yet i enjoy the dreams of the past letting them take me to a place of happiness that no longer exist no matter how much i pray or hope for it daily.

She meant the world to me, i never showed her that and now she was gone from my life too soon before i could've told her my feelings the right way

I treated her so badly so i deserved her leaving me but i didnt know she was unhappy because she always seemed happy around me or pretending nothing was wrong. and now i lay here grieving wanting to go back in time and fix everything or beg her to come back

**Shed never come back **

So here i am alone, rubbing the metal of a small ring i promised id give her through my fingers weaving it in circular motions back and forth wanting to crush it as i struggle to breathe right as i sob and sniffle into a pillow I hug to myself in my other arm

Yet, i get up and put it back in the box and climb back in bed, I spend alot of time here.

Am i pathetic? Yes

Am i an idiot? Yes

Do i miss her? More than anything in this world or universe correctly speaking

Living without her hurts but im making do everyday just being happy or something similar to that just so friends wouldnt question me unless i stopped talking to them, then they demanded answers i always gave the excuse i was either ill or life got busy

Soon i just pushed everyone away from me, so i wouldnt talk about her or think about her or even assume i could move on

This is why life is hard.

You want something so badly and yet you lie sneak and beg for things to stay the same all the time for you and you cant spend your days treating someone like theyre less than you just because your having a bad day

She gave up everything for me and i hurt her over and over again thinking shed always forgive me and my antics

No matter my promises to change, I never did enough to show her how i am now willing to change for her at the drop of a hat

She was right to leave me

I still cant grasp the concept, I dont think i ever will be able to let her go. Shes always on my mind now so i cant sleep and have a normal dream to forget her

Im too deep in my dreams to wake up and face this the mature way instead i spend my nights crying for hours on end and fighting with myself just to feel how she did. It wont compare to the pain i caused her

I honestly hate myself in the past i was heartless and i cant apologize anymore because it means nothing. Words wont fix mistakes, Actions will and yet i rely on words more

My days are me getting up and barely caring how i look or how im feeling and just listening to what people tell me to do

I dont question or bicker

I just do it

I want to say no and just stay in bed all day

but thats not "Living"

I honestly didnt care even if i wanted to live but here i am

No redeeming qualities, or special facial features

just me keeping my face clear and failing to keep a diet my hair now over my eyes

because for so long i wanted to show her that i could look good for her

And now i just eat until my stomach hurts or never eat at all

Yes, that sounds really pathetic of me to admit but its true.

I wont change my looks for nothing i need a good reason and she was my reason for alot of things

she was my best friend

**Was**

And i decided to push that further, i only thought about what i wanted and less about what she wanted rushing her because i was alone and was stupid and decided i wanted to love her before i really understood what it meant now as i miss her

I did nothing but hurt her in the end

And now i cant even look at a relationship without wanting to hurt myself

Am i crazy? yes

Am i dramatic? Yes

Am i a brokenhearted man? Yes

I was her man once, now i wish her the best in her future

I miss her but she wants to be happy

and i made her unhappy alot of times when i shouldve shown her my feelings but maybe i was too much of an asshole to do that. Maybe just maybe i shouldve tried harder and she shouldve tried less

Listen to me Shouldve Wouldve Couldve if i had thought of that earlier she wouldnt of have decided end things

Think about it genius

I hated how i always left her upset or angry with me

I always apologized when we were okay or doing well and she accepted the apologies.

Every single one

Yet something possessed me to go full on dickhead to her, making her feel like crap or fighting or assuming shed leave me for someone else i was stupid to assume that or cheat on her because i was the idiot to break her heart over and over again regardless of all the promises we made to each other

I was wrong. I was stupid. I was a dick. I was alot of things i only wish i could take back and make things right again in her eyes

She moves on searching for someone else and im stuck here praying for a day that shed come back into my life and love me again

I still loved her

I wanted to stay with her

I failed her too many times and she stopped loving me

As much as i want to hate her to claim she was wrong to leave me or that she made a mistake and that i was right here still screaming my feelings toward her, Id never think about hating her even for a minute because she did more good than bad for my life. I think about how many times i hurt her feelings or her heart and see that i was a monster to her and didnt deserve her back but i wanted to show her that i was as loving as i used to be and id never travel down that road again and that i would always be there for her to love her or to cherish her every moment around me. It was all i had to keep me sane everyday

It hurts to think about how much i just say that i can change when inside i know i wont id try really hard to and fail miserably but for her i wouldve done anything to keep her by my side if she were closer to me

I lay here with my heart on my sleeve my chest in knots and my eyes red from tears again constantly trying to make sense of my life

My showers are the darkest moments of my life i wash my hair and just stare down the razor above me, thinking things i shouldnt think about and how i was unimportant to anyone in my life and i wasnt really living right for myself or for her. shes the reason i wouldnt do it i wouldnt die because dying would be horrible for her to hear granted if she cared enough to be affected or sad like i would be if she did it. I have dark days where i just sleep away my hours until i wake up with a headache from _forcing_ myself to stay asleep I adore my dreams reality is hurtful to live through

My dreams show something i love so much its either her coming back to me or im kissing along her face to her lips as were tangled into each other just talking about how much we cared for each other, that damn ring on her hand reflects my smile to her as i say those three words i hate to say to anyone now

I smile when i get up, turn to my side and sob when the empty space appears before me my body goes cold, the warmth the blanket around me didnt exist or the dream gave me comfort enough to feel warm

This is what i deserve for breaking her heart over and over

she was like a beautiful gem yet that gem was tarnished and crushed to dust and now it was gone

this is a daily life for me

I cant bring myself to move on because things ended so terribly and i wanted to will myself to fix everything wrong with me for her so shed stay but i didnt know id never get another chance

Regardless of how many id gotten before

Something will _always _bring me back to her even though she was gone from my life but she wasnt gone from my heart no matter how many times she told me to let go or move on to someone else i just couldnt do it because if i did i would think about her and nothing but her

I fall into her gravity in those dreams and everything feels right in my eyes and in my heart i feel like nothing can hurt me or her so long as were in this world together nothing tarnished or broken no fights or unhappy memories or fighting just us together.

but those are just dreams and my dreams of always being with her and being married with a family holding her hand or kissing her lips or sleeping beside her at night or telling her how much i loved her to her face or helping her self esteem or tell her shes beautiful in my eyes or that her heart is my lullaby at night or that id always love her and that she should stay with me Always and Forever and that i would never break her heart again or that id always be there when she needed someone to cry and vent to or that i love our small jokes or times we just talk about nothing or call each other cute nicknames or spend every waking moment together for the rest of our lives making her feel wanted every second of every day

were Lies now. waking up hurts in this reality, this isnt life to me its me living a lie in this world alone where i constantly want to be alone away from other people missing the love of my life and who i wanted to share my life with everyday every hour every breath i take is another waste of life reminding me what i had is lost and i favor sleeping at night because i feel loved and whole again

I'll keep dreaming Forever Grieving With A Broken Heart

I miss you

I love you

I need you

Please dont go and leave me here alone


End file.
